Countryside Humor
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose!
Q: What is a farmer’s favorite Bruce Springsteen song?
A: Born in the USDA.
Q: As farmers, we hear a lot of jokes about sheep.
A: We’d tell them to the dog, but he’d herd them all!
Q: What did the farmer say when his fat pig wouldn’t fit into the pen?
A: “There’s more there than meets the sty.”
Q: Why did the pig take a bath?
A: The farmer said, “Hogwash!"
Q: Why were the baby strawberries crying?
A: Their ma and pa were in a jam.
Q: Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
A: Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!
Q: What farm animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
Q: How did the organic vegetable die?
A: Natural causes.
Q: What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?
A: “It’s pasture bedtime!”
Q: Where does a farmer get his medicine from?
A: The farm-acist.
Q: What kinds of pigs know karate?
A: Pork chops.
Q: What kind of things does a farmer talk about when he is milking cows?
A: Udder nonsense.
Q: Why are farmers cruel?
A: Because they pull corn by the ears.
Q: Did you hear about the wooden tractor?
A: It had wooden wheels, a wooden engine, wooden transmission, and wooden work!
Q: How did the farmer find his lost cow?
A: He tractor down.
Q: Did you hear about the magic tractor?
A: It turned into a field.
Q: What is a happy farmer’s favorite candy?
A Jolly Rancher.
Q: What do you call a cow with no calf?
Decaffeinated.
Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A neigh-bor!
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
A: Laughing stock.
Q: What is a sheep’s favorite game?
A: Baa-dminton!
Q: What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
A: A transfarmer.
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play.
Q: What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A protractor.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer.
Q: Why can’t the bankrupt cowboy complain?
A: He has got no beef.
Q: What is a horse’s favorite sport?
A: Stable tennis!
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: Where’s popcorn?
Q: I tried to navigate the farmer’s cornfield…
A: But it was a maize.
Q: What new crop did the farmer plant?
A: Beets me.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
Q: What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
A: Straw-berries!
Q: What day do potatoes hate the most?
A: Fry-day!
Q: Where do farmers send their kids to grow?
A: Kinder-garden.
Q: Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar?
A: He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Q: Why did the pig dump her boyfriend?
A: Because he was a real BOAR.
Q: Who tells chicken jokes?
A: Comedihens.
Q: What did the farmer get when he crossed an owl with a goat?
A: A “Hootenanny.”
Q: What happened when the farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a terrier?
A: He got a hot-diggity-dog!
Q: Why did the cabbage win the race?
A: Because it was ahead!
Q: What grows under a gardner's nose?
A: Tulips!
Q: Where do the horses go when they’re sick?
A: To the horsepital.
Q: Why did the farmer bury his money in a field?
A: He wanted to make his soil rich.
Q: Why did the farmer plow her field with a steamroller?
A: Because she wanted to grow mashed potatoes!
Q: Why didn’t the farmer laugh at any of these jokes?
A: Because they’re too corny.
Q: What do you call a magic cow?
A: "Moodini"
Q: What do you call a cow with full armor?
A: Sir Loin.
Q: What do you get when you pamper a cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do cows read in the morning?
A: The moos-paper.
Q: I used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
A: Now I have a stable connection.
Q: Where will you find the most cows?
A: Moo York.
Q: A friend of mine has started making yachts to sell in his barn.
A: Sails are going through the roof!
Q: What happens when you run out of manure on a farm?
You have to make doo.
Q: Why is rabbit farming a terrifying profession?
Every day is a hare-raising experience.
Q: What do you call a small pork farm?
A hamlet.
Q: What’s the quietest animal on a farm?
A: ssssshhhheep.
Q: This drought has really killed my spice farm.
I don’t have the thyme to harvest.
Q: Where do cows go for lunch?
The calf-etaria.
Q: What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Q: What did the plow say to the tractor?
A: Pull me a little closer John Deere
Q: Why are farmers so respected?
A: Because they are outstanding in their field
Q: Why do cows like being told jokes?
A: Because they like being amoosed
Q: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
A: An eggroll
Q: How did the farmer find his lost cow?
A: He tractor down.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer
. . . My girlfriend left me, and all I got was a John Deere letter.
Farmer: Why can’t you make bread like my mother?
Wife: Why can’t you make dough like my father?
I saw a sign at a farm that said, “Duck, Eggs.”
I was contemplating the use of the comma when it hit me.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly… cows go moo!
Farmers earn a meager celery, come home beet, and just want to read the pepper, turn-ip the covers, en-dive into bed!
Two windmills are standing on a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself. When he was confronted about it, he said, “What an utter lie!”
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pony!
Don’t worry, you’re just a little horse.
Joke from the 1930’s—
Did you hear about the new tractor they’re making with no seat and no stearing wheel? It’s for the farmer who has lost his “backside” and doesn’t know which way to turn.
You Know You’re a Tractor Pulling Family When...
1. “It’s only a few miles down the road” means 50 miles, at least.
2. You have more pictures of the pulling tractor than of the kids.
3. Some of your best friends live 100 miles away.
4. You are the only female in the bridge club who knows what cam 2 is.
5. The pull dates, along with a road map, are posted on the refrigerator.
6. You find yourself explaining to Grandma why you can’t go 15 miles for Sunday dinner, but you can go 150 miles for a pull.
7. You have not been to your family reunion for years because it is scheduled the same Sunday as the biggest pull of the season.
8. “Honey, I need a little help fixing the tractor” means forget the cleaning, washing, and dinner. The morning’s shot.
9. The pulling tractor gets waxed more often than your floors do.
10. You can’t make it to church on time but can be an hour and half early to a tractor pull .
11. The UPS man cannot believe that those little boxes can cost that much!
12. “As soon as I get the tractor running, I’ll fix the faucet” means call the plumber.
13. Weddings and births are scheduled around the tractor pulling season.
14. Your neighbors think you are crazy, your friends wonder, and you know you are. But through it all, you just cannot wait for the next pull.